April's Great Fitness Experiment: Hedonism!

April’s Great Fitness Experiment is going to be a little… different this month. See, when explaining my new Experiments to people, invariably someone always says to me, “Well my 80-year-old Grandpa smokes a pack a day, eats two slabs of bacon for breakfast, only runs if someone’s chasing him and he’s the healthiest, happiest man I know!” Other iterations include, “Well my neighbor lost 180 pounds by switching from soda to juice!” and “Cindy Crawford walks her dog a couple of times a week, splurges on hamburgers and she looks awesome!” and my favorite, “You worry too much! I eat whatever I want and play tennis twice a year and I’m still 96 pounds, just like I was in high school!” After years of dismissing the speakers as whack-jobs, sadists or just deluded, it occurred to me that maybe they have a point. What, exactly, would happen if instead of following all the rules, I broke them? It certainly seems to work for some people. Heck, that Supersize Me guy even got a book deal and his own TV special out it!

While I am generally healthier than I used to be, I still haven’t been able to attain my goals. Perhaps it’s because I’m trying the wrong things. Besides, have you read a health/fitness magazine article lately or listened to an interview with a self-proclaimed expert? Here’s a round-up of my fave tips this month (and by favorite I mean, make me want to tear my hair out):

1. “I buy a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, eat two bites - really savor them! - and then throw it in the garbage so I’m not tempted to come back to it later.” ~ Random Starlet (Dear Hollywood: Please keep comments like this to your neurotic selves. This is why the rest of the world hates us. Thank you.)

2. “Use a fabric-covered scrunchie to prevent hair breakage when pulling your hair back for a workout.” ~ Shape Magazine (Aside from the questionable aesthetics of wearing a scrunchie outside of any decade with Prince in the top ten, they’re really not very functional - they slip and slide right out of your hair! Am I the only one old enough to remember that?)

3. “Grab this Puma gym bag - a steal at 5 dollars - rather than using a pricier bag. Bonus: it’s so chic, it can double as a purse for a night out!” ~ Fitness Magazine (Two questions, Fitness: 1) Who buys a gym bag pricier than 5? Seriously. Something is not “a steal” merely because more expensive items exist. 2) What does one do with their stinky sneakers and sweaty gym duds during their night out?)

4. “I run for 45-60 minutes on the treadmill every day and slashed my calories to 1200.” Valerie Bertinelli to People magazine on how she got her bikini bod back in time for her 49th birthday and their cover shoot. (Valerie: The miracle plan you are on? Is called a crash diet. It will soon betray you. Grow up and realize that if the best thing you can say about being 49 is that you can still wear a bikini, then you haven’t accomplished much in your half century on earth.)

So you see why it might be prudent to ignore their advice. Besides, who doesn’t love random anecdotes? For the month of April, I’m eating chocolate for 3 meals a day, skipping breakfast and calling my stroll to the mailbox my workout. In my free time I’m going to start a celebrity blog. Who’s in with me?

This April Fool’s day reminder brought to you by the Health & Fitness Industries of America.

PS) April’s real new Great Fitness Experiment will be posted tomorrow… sorry, couldn’t resist;) Did I fool anyone? Even for a second?? Please!?!?